One day a while back, a man, his heart heavy with grief, was walking in the woods. As he thought about his life this day, he knew many things were not right. He thought about those who had lied about him back when he had a job.

His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and cheated him. He remembered family that had passed on. His mind turned to the illness he had that no one could cure. His very soul was filled with anger, resentment and frustration.

Standing there this day, searching for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be there. And with tears in his eyes, he prayed:

"Lord- You have done wonderful things for me in this life. You have told me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you have told me to forgive. I am sad, Lord, because I cannot. I don't know how. It is not fair Lord. I didn't deserve these wrongs that were done against me and I shouldn't have to forgive. As perfect as your way is Lord, this one thing I cannot do, for I don't know how to forgive. My anger is so deep Lord, I fear I may not hear you, but I pray that you teach me to do this one thing I cannot do - Teach me To Forgive."

As he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak tree, he felt something fall onto his shoulder. He opened his eyes. Out of the corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt. He could not turn to see what it was because where the oak tree had been was a large square piece of wood in the ground. He raised his head and saw two feet held to the wood with a large spike through them.

He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus hanging on a cross. He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, atorn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he saw the suffering and pain on His precious face. As their eyes met, the man's tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak.

"Have you ever told a lie?" He asked. The man answered - "Yes, Lord."

"Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?" The man answered - " Yes, Lord."

And the man sobbed more and more."Have you ever taken something from work that wasn't yours?" Jesus asked. And the man answered - "Yes, Lord."

"Have you ever sworn, using my Father's name in vain? "The man, crying now, answered - "Yes, Lord."

As Jesus asked many more times, "Have you ever"? The man's crying became uncontrollable, for he could only answer - "Yes, Lord."

Then Jesus turned His head from one side to the other, and the man felt something fall on his other shoulder. He looked and saw that it was the blood of Jesus. When he looked back up, his eyes met those of Jesus, and there was a look of love the man had never seen or known before.

Jesus said, "I didn't deserve this either, but I forgive you."It may be hard to see how you're going to get through something, but when you look back in life, you realize how true this statement is.

Read the following first line slowly and let it sink in.If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

It's a happy day...

Like the title of my post says...It's a happy day for me...I guess God was a big factor in that...I started out my day with the usual class but a friend of my tutored me on a subject that I'm really weak in...And he did teach me a few short cuts here and there...Although I'll be sitting for the make up test of that subject tomorrow, I'm not too worried...It's an open book test after all...Hehehe...And praise God that I have a friend who is so willing to help...Chun Fai...I really owe you one...

Another thing that made me happy was...Hmmm...Well...My parents bought me a car!!!My mom just called me and informed me when I was playing basketball just now...Hehehe...And we were debating whether to get the reddish-orangey one or a black one...But I guess the reddish-orangey one won...I'm not even sure what colour do you call it...But anyway...

Oh, another thing that made my day was my dinner...It wasn't an extraordinary dinner or anything...It was just in Upten...But I had it with a dear friend of mine which I think I haven't had dinner with the whole semester already...We had a lot of catching up to do...And it really brings back memories of when we used to go for dinner together a lot...Like really a lot...Hehehe...I guess I just miss talking to him...

Well anyway...I gotta get back to studying for tomorrow's test now...

I'm whole again...

Today in church, once again a wonderful thing happened...The speaker today was Pastor Ben...And let me tell you, he is really God's anointed speaker...And each time he speaks in our church, he'll always have an altar call...And as usual, I went to the front for the altar call...I felt like I needed healing and conviction once again...It's not your usual physical healing...But it's more of a spiritual healing...Lately, I just felt so dried up...And the fire is no longer burning...But today, God relit the fire...He has me burning for Him again...

As I was kneeling there before God at His altar, I could just feel that I was crying out all the hurt and all the despair that I was feeling...That I'm going through...I felt like He wanted me to pour out to Him all my problems and all my worries...And that He just listens to it all and taking it away from me...As He was ministering to me, He also asked Sue Ann to pray for me...And she told Him that she didn't know what to pray for and asked Him to guide her...And He did...He just led her to pray for the very thing that I asked from Him...For reassurance and for healing...

You know...When I questioned God on where is He in my life, when I'm going through all the hurt and suffering...All I could hear was this: "Don't worry...I'm with you...Right here by your side...Why do you not trust me?" And after Sue Ann prayed for me, after letting out all the hurt...I could hear His voice again..."Do you believe me now? That I'm here for you?"Yes Lord...Now I do...This experience has made me whole again...Thank You Lord...For making me whole again...

Searching for miracles...

Before God spoke the universe into existence He knew my name.

Before He created the atmosphere, He held me in His

heart.

Before He created the oceans, the land, the plants and

creeping things,

He chose the color of my hair.

Before He created the animals and before He created the first man,

He loved me.

God placed within Adam's body all of the DNA

of every human being who would ever walk the earth,

and within him he placed the color of my eyes.

Before He knit me together within my mother's womb,

he cherished the sound of my laugh.

Before I shed my first tear he felt my pain.

Before my sin, my sorrow, and my stubborn

disobedience,

he chose to carry them to the Cross.

He hung there His blood pouring out…for me.

Why he chose to do this I cannot comprehend.

God wanted me to be his own child.

How can that be?

With all of my flaws and character defects, He wanted me to believe in Him,

and He gave me the grace to believe in myself.

God loves me with a fire that can never be quenched.

I am special to Him,

even if I am not special to anyone else, including myself.

I have tried to perfect myself, and I have failed.

I have tried to believe the world's message, but I have

found no answers.

I have followed the paths forged by others

only to find disaster at every bend in the road.

Only God has given me the answers that I have sought.

Peace. Love. Fulfillment.

The change in my life is not a complicated one.

It's not about how good I am or how I pray or how often I go to church.

It's not about money or fame or popularity.

I cannot speak for others. They must decide for

themselves.

I only know that the world has given me no happiness.

After searching my entire life,

I have only been able to find the answers to my questions on my knees at the foot of the Cross.

© Jaye Lewis, 2003

I love you mom...

You know...Looking back through the years...I now realise how much close to my mom then I was back then...I don't have to look back really far...All it takes is just a few years back...

Nowadays, I can just sit down and talk to her without us yelling at each other and tears being shed...I even started to learn recipes from her too...Wow...Look how far we've come...I realise now that when you try to bring up a child, there's just no life manual where you can refer to on the proper way of bringing up your child...

As I'm the firstborn of the family, obviously I'm the one whom my parents experimented with on how to bring up a child...Most of the time it's through trial and error with my mother being such a young mother...Oh, my mom had me when she was only 23...Cool right...That's so young...And I've only a few more years before I'm there myself...

I was just talking to my mom and she mentioned that among my siblings, I was the hardest to bring up coz I'm just plain stubborn...Then again, back then I never felt like I was really loved...I always felt like my brother was loved by my mom a lot and my little sister was loved by my dad a lot...I always felt so lonely and unloved...But growing up and knowing Jesus Christ changed all that...I'm now so assured that I'm loved...By my parents, my siblings, and everyone around me...And that above all that, I have Christ's love with me and in me...And I believe that part of this love will always remain in me and the other part will be poured out to others who needs it...

And for all that you've done for me...All the sacrifices...Thank you mom! I LOVE YOU...

(P/S:By the way...Sorry for the death of Hammy, Alwin!!!)

I had it!!!

Okay...I've had it with my stomach...I've been having a really loose bowel since yesterday...I've got a feeling its the fried macaroni I had for lunch...Arrghhh...That'll teach me to eat friend macaroni in the COE food court...

It was so bad until I couldn't even leave the house...I was supposed to go to Port Dickson today...To check out my church camp venue...But I couldn't even leave the house...Sob sob...But anyway I did put the time to good use...And praise God that I managed to get the sections that I wanted for next semester...

So anyway...I'll see you people next time...Wanna go watch A Haunting on Discovery...Oh...You guys should check the show out...It's about houses getting haunted by evil spirits and somehow or other someone always managed to help them outta it...It's on every Saturday at 10 pm...Enjoy...

I stand in awe of You...

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

And I can testify that this is true...Indeed God is great...Let me tell you why...Today my dear friend Eugene came up to me and tell me that he consulted the church leaders about me staying with all guys and his church leader advise against it...

Of course they would...And at first when he was trying to explain to me I just couldn't accept it...I was already in a dilemma about where was I going to stay and who am I going to stay with...And I was worried and frustrated about this whole issue of moving out of campus...

Okay, lets digress a little...The reason why I wanted to move out to stay is because they are gonna increase the price of the apartments! A lot...So yeah...Staying out will be cheaper than staying in...

So anyway...Lets get back to the story...I was really upset and then...I just talked to another friend, Alwin who is a youth leader in his church...And he said that he would advise his youths against staying with people of the opposite gender as well...And somehow, God just used him to make me understand the situation...And I was able to accept what he said to me (surprise surprise!)...

And while talking to him, I was just touched by God and I cried...I did...I admit it...Nothing to be ashamed about...Hehehe....And then I began to realise that God has plans for all of us...Each and everyone...And no matter how hard we try to go against Him, we just can't...We would just be going around in circles and eventually He'll lead us back to where He intended for us to go...

I believe God was just closing all doors that He doesn't want me to enter and opening the door that He wants me to enter...And I think I might just have an inkling where this opened door leads to...I think it might just be the house that I didn't want to stay originally...Hmmm...I shall pray about it tonight...

I'm back!!!

At the basketball court that is...Wow...I just had my first game of basketball after like what? Few months...Okay okay...It's not that long...But it is long for me...I'm just one of those that can't keep away from the basketball court for long...Hehehe...

It all began as soon as I meet Alwin and Gan at the bottom of the stairs...Alwin went like "Jom! Basketball!"...And I was like"On!!!"...Hahaha...So enthusiastic...

And then...When I finall got to play, I managed to score a few points...But I could only play two games coz after that my leg was giving out warning signals already...Pain! Hehe...Oh well...It's a good start...

So yeah...That's the highlight of my day...Oh, by the way...I'm kinda starving here...My housemates went grocery shopping and bungkus dinner but they didn't bungkus for me...Sob sob...But I guess it's partly my fault for running off to goodness knows where and not telling them...Hehe...

Toodles...I'm gonna shower and dig for some food to eat...Oh, yeah...I'm stinking here too...I haven't showered yet...It's time...

Busy busy...

Phillipians 4:13

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

At this moment, this scripture is all I can think about...It's gonna be a real busy week for me...But for the Lord, I probably would not have the strength to endure the whole week...Let's see, I'm gonna have a test on Thursday and Friday...And my lecturer is giving a pop quiz somewhere this week...Goodness knows when...

Oh well...I'll just have to be prepared for it...Oh, for those who don't know...I'm an engineering student in Uniten...Currently in my second year second semester...About a month or so ago, I almost gave up on engineering...Bleh...It's really getting harder and harder as every semester goes by...But yeah, I prayed about it and surprise surprise! The next day I totally lost the spirit of giving up...God is good!!!

Oh...The youths in my church (People's Park Baptist Church) will be having a play during Easter...For those who are curious about the play or who just wanna come and nose around...Do ask me for the details ok?Just give a shout at my shoutbox and I will reply you...Better still, leave your contact for me...

Since my finals are in like three weeks, I guess I won't be blogging much...So if you hear from me...That's good...If you don't, well...I'll see you when I see you!!!

Worries,worries...

To those who has been constantly reading my blog...I'm sorry...Didn't have time to blog plus I've got nothing much to blog anyway...But here's the update...

Referring to my previous post...Two of the baby guineas died a few days after they went back home...I guess this just adds to the list of dead guinea pigs...*sob* *sob*...

Yeah...And like I mentioned before...I was gonna move out...But now I have a situation in hand...There is four rooms in the house...Three upstairs and one downstairs...My fellow housemates want to convert the room downstairs into a prayer room...That's fine...But when we walked upstairs they said that four of us will be sharing the master bedroom...And one of the other rooms was to be a room where we put all our closets...And the remaining room? Goodness knows...Personally, I find that four people in the master bedroom is way too crowded...And there's no privacy!!!

I lobbied for a single room but I guess I'm just not gonna get it...Sigh...But I'm really feeling unhappy about the arrangement...So I'm gonna talk to my shepherd tomorrow and see how things goes...But if things don't go well...Hmmm...I'm just not gonna move in there with them...Plus my mom disagree with the arrangement as well...I talked to her today (Okay, you might just be thinking what has my mom gotta do with it right? Afterall I can be considered an adult already...But my parents are paying the rent for me afterall...So they do have a say)...

But the sudden urge that I got to blog was not really to talk about all that...It was to talk about how good God is to me...With all the issues that I'm going through, God just never left me...I am really, really troubled by the sleeping arrangement and stuff...So I just continued praying...And praying...And praying...Coz God told me to...It can't be a coincidence right? Yesterday, before doing my quiet time, I prayed and asked the Lord to speak to me...And guess what? He asked me to keep on praying...So I did...And today...

Wow...My daily bread covers the topic of worry...This was the verse that I read...

Phillipians 4:4-7

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

And all I have to say to that is an "Amen!"...